Merry-go-round in my mind…

Here I am again, late into the night, knowing I will probably be awake well into the morning—long after the History channel runs out of things to interest me…

I’ve tried going to bed; I’ve tried to sleep. I lie there, squeezing my eyes shut, and trying to calm my mind, but a million different things keep running through my head. It feels for all the world as if I’m on a merry-go-round, struggling against the flow and desperately trying to get control of something—anything—without success.

I keep moving like I was on a treadmill, with horse after horse racing toward me on both sides; they bob up and down, successfully evading my attempts to take hold. The horses are not colorful and friendly; they are huge and garish with snarling mouths and large teeth that seem frightening and menacing. The horses have names: Unemployment, Expense, Divorce, Illness, Insurance, Faith, Responsibility, Parenting, Loneliness, Stress…the list is as endless as the circular track that I travel.

Night after night, I face that merry-go-round in the dark of my room. I can’t help but feel that if I could get SOMETHING settled, I would feel as if I was making progress.

All this is very uncomfortable for me. I know myself well enough to know that although I don’t mind change—I usually adjust well to it and often welcome it—but I think this is too much change at once. I prefer at least a little routine. Structure is comfortable for me. I think that’s why I enjoy writing; there is creativity and freedom to express yourself but at the same time, it is governed by rules like grammar and spelling.

Unfortunately, like the endless circle I face in my mind, I have no wise words with which to end this blog…

One thought on “Merry-go-round in my mind…

  1. The “Merry go round” is an excellent metaphor for this type of feeling – and it’s one I’ve been experiencing a lot lately. Sleep just won’t come… and the night carries on, and so do my thoughts. Meanwhile, my family sleeps peacefully… dreaming.
    I wish I could dream. Dreaming is the mind’s way of processing your thoughts and memories, I wish my mind would do that! Haha.
    Really good blog, made me think.

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