What is security to you? What makes you feel secure? Does it have to do with your safety, or your money, or knowing where you’re going in life? I’ve never been an insecure person, but security seems to be elusive for me lately.

“Security” has recently been weighing heavily on my mind. Concerns for my son’s safety, my safety… I had never really worried much about my safety before. Now, for various reasons, it has been front and center in my thoughts.

Of course, then there’s the fact that I don’t have a job. In this economy and political climate, I can’t be sure from one month to the next how long I will have unemployment to depend on. Much as I hate having to use it, I really don’t know what I’d have done if I hadn’t had it.

Security was something I never felt I had in my marriage, either emotionally or financially. I didn’t have the comfort of knowing that I was loved always and unconditionally. I also never had the assurance of knowing that we could pay the bills from one month to the next. It was like trying to build a foundation for a marriage and family on the sand at the edge of the tide. Seemed I constantly had to start over each time the tide wiped everything out.

And as for knowing where I’m going in life—I haven’t got a clue. Contrary to my nature, I’m “playing it by ear” much more than I’d like. I always thought that by this time in life, I would be well settled. I thought I’d have a husband I love who loves me, children grown or almost grown, a job/career that was fulfilling and stimulating, if I wanted or had to work; nothing fancy—just a normal life, with ups and downs that we would work through together. Maybe it’s a boring dream, but it would have been enough for me.

Instead, I am wandering through life, trying to get a clear direction on where to go next.