Disclaimer: First, I want to say that I realize not ALL men believe in these rules, but the ones who don’t are few and far between.  My dad is one, and I do know a few others. For the most part they are already married, and likely to stay that way. But for the bazillions who are NOT exceptions, these are the rules I’ve learned.

Follow these rules faithfully, and I can guarantee that you won’t have to continue to deal with a family for long.

1.  Put what you want first. AT ALL TIMES.

This is the main rule for living as a man. Such behavior ensures your own personal happiness. Of course, no one around you will be happy, because they will feel neglected and unimportant. But the most important thing is that YOUR to-do list will be completed. Besides, if they complain, refer to Rules 2 and/or 3.

2.  If you ignore a problem, it no longer exists.

While the problem may indeed cease to exist for you, it rarely ceases to exist for others, which often results in unpleasant consequences.

3.  If you refuse to deal with an issue, it will go away.

Again, the issue may SEEM to go away, but in reality it rarely does. More often it results in the departure of exasperated people from your life, never to return.

4.  If Rules 2 and/or 3 fail, throw money at the problem.

The best way to reassure someone that you love them without actually spending any time with them or making them feel important is to buy them something expensive. Then they HAVE to love you, right?

5/6.  If it don’t fit, force it; and if it ain’t broke, break it.

This rule has 2 divisions which complement each other. I will grit my teeth and ignore the grammar, which is as abominable as the logic. Many times, “manhandling” something will solve the fit problem—usually by breaking what isn’t broken, thereby satisfying both the rule and the corollary. This can be applied to a wide variety of situations, from routing electronic cords to sex.

7. If you’re angry, break something that doesn’t belong to you.

After breaking something that isn’t yours, never EVER fix it or offer to pay to have it fixed.

8.  Put yourself first when budgeting your finances.

Buy something you don’t need (and preferably can’t use) before considering paying a debt owed to anyone in the family. ONLY pay a debt if you have absolutely everything you want or need, have some extra money, and can’t come up with anything else to buy.

9.  Ignore family time to work or do what YOU enjoy.

I guess this one really should follow Rule 1, since they are so closely related. Always be sure to bend over backward to be on time for a customer or a friend, and never, ever even consider standing them up without notice, or keeping them waiting for hours with no word or apology. But whatever you do, DON’T THINK TWICE about missing an appointment at a promised time with a family member. It’s not like they have a life or might want to make other plans when you are unavailable. Remember, only a weak man would show enough consideration to arrive when he says he will, or bother to call and explain why.

10 . Remember, no one matters but YOU.

Especially not your family. They are only burdens who are always wanting something from you—your time, your affection, your honesty, your support… It’s not like they do all that for you! Who needs people like that!