No, I’m not out of my head! But someone keeps creeping in that I don’t want there, and I don’t know why my brain insists on letting him back in…

He broke my heart; not just once—but three times. He was one of my first loves, and when it was time for college, he left me behind to pursue his own lofty political and financial ambitions.

Strike 1.

We kept in touch and remained friends for a few years, until the day I called to chat and found him newly returned from his honeymoon with a woman he’d known for three weeks.

Strike 2.

After 20-something years of marriage, he had divorced and I was about to be free as well. He came back into my life and swept me off my feet. He told me he’d never forgotten me, never stopped loving me, and wanted me for good this time. All I had to do was pack up and go with him. And then…he just evaporated. He never even had the nerve to tell me himself that it was over; he just disappeared. Next thing I knew, he was engaged.

Strike 3. You’re out!

After the last time, I swore, “Never again!” and I haven’t seen, spoken to, or heard from him in more than two years. I rarely even think of him, except when he shows up in my dreams. Every time he appears, the dream always includes a multitude of people and problems keeping us apart, but we both desperately want to be together, and we continue to try.

But when I’m awake, I don’t ever want him back. My sense of self-preservation is too strong. And he’s remarried with a new baby—obviously he isn’t sitting around regretting any pain he’s caused me!

Every time this happens, it takes me days to get him off my mind again. And I don’t want him there. So why does my head keep letting him in?