Wondering around


No, I don’t mean “wandering.” My body is sitting still, but my mind never seems to stop moving. Now that I don’t work weekends, I have a lot more time to think. I haven’t decided if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. I find my mind wandering from one subject to the next, dwelling on some and skipping over others, but constantly wondering about so many different things.

For instance, I think about places I would like to go and things I would like to see. I want to see glaciers and the Aurora Borealis. I want to see castles and ruins. I want to visit Ireland, England, Scotland, Italy, Germany, Spain, France, and return to Switzerland and the magnificent Alps.

I wonder if my son will ever figure out the path that will make him happy. I wonder how long my parents will live. I wonder where I would be if I’d made different choices—or if others had. I wonder if I can find an apartment with a fireplace the next time I move.

When I graduate will I be able to get a job? Will someone see the value of my wisdom and experience instead of just that I’m older than a lot of the other applicants? Have I wasted my time and effort learning the best ways to do what I enjoy doing?

And on a deeper level, will I find a man who will truly love me, and be strong enough to make a real commitment? After a failed marriage, and a couple of disappointments since, I have begun to wonder if I will ever meet a man who is strong enough to stand up for love, and not cave in to what those around him say he should do. A man who will keep his promises and not walk out when things aren’t easy?

I’m done with people who walk out and never come back, and never have the courage to tell you why. I want people in my life who know that sometimes you have to agree to disagree—with your family, your friends, your coworkers… It doesn’t mean they are disposable. I want people who understand their value to me and know that they can’t just be replaced by swapping someone else into their spot.

Most of all, where is my home? How far away is it—in space and in time? Will I live there alone, or with someone who has chosen to find his home with me?

I wonder…

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