Alone at the holidays

It’s been a strange holiday season. It’s the first time I’ve not been part of a couple for the holidays in many, many years. I’m not depressed or anything; on the contrary, I feel free for a change. I was with my family, so I wasn’t alone, but it was strange, to go to bed alone on Christmas Eve. It will be even stranger to be alone on New Year’s Eve. Even if my son is with me, I will still be “alone” in the sense that I won’t be part of a couple.

For someone like me, who has never really gone very long without someone “special” in my life, it is an odd feeling. Not that I’m not getting offers now—but there’s not anyone in my life that I look forward to a future with.

I miss that. Of course I miss the physical side of a relationship. Every day I long to be held and touched; kissed and caressed. I miss having sex, but more than that, I miss making love to a man who is important and meaningful in my life. I miss the small touches that are part of everyday life: holding hands as you walk together, kisses as you pass each other, leaning against someone for strength, being surrounded by strong arms when you need comfort, or just snuggling into one another in bed to get warm. I also miss being able to look forward and make plans, and imagine what the future will be like with someone you truly love.

I don’t doubt that I will have that with someone again one day. I just don’t know how long it will take to find him. My “soulmate.” I thought I had found him, but apparently not. If I’m alone on New Year’s Eve, as on Christmas Eve, I won’t waste the night feeling sorry for myself. I will do something I enjoy. I’ll also think about all the changes I’ve made this year, and about the changes to come in the next. I will view it as the next chapter in the story of my new beginning.

And hopefully, before too many holidays pass me, I will find my story’s happy ending.

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