At approximately 11 p.m. on Monday, an unidentified woman accosted a man, pointed a gun at him, and hugged him over and over again. The visibly shaken victim said the woman appeared of nowhere, wearing only a low-cut nightgown. Unfortunately, the vicious attack temporarily interrupted the blood flow to his brain, and details of the assault are vague. The man was unable to give a usable description to a police sketch artist. The only information he could offer was that “She had boobs. And a gun. That’s all I saw.” Eventually, she let him go, and he was able to call 9-1-1.

Police have no apparent motive for the attack. Witnesses said they noticed the hugging, but didn’t suspect there was a problem. With no good leads, local police are afraid the woman will strike again. Department psychiatrists suggest that the woman, who probably suffers from a severe touch deficiency, could be extremely dangerous. Despite that fact, several brave officers have volunteered as decoys.

After questioning the victim at the scene, the spokesman for the Police Department said they had concluded that he must have been mentally damaged in some way. “He was stupid; he shouldn’t have tried to resist. Someone could have been seriously hurt. The public can rest assured that every officer in the city will work diligently to uncover the perpetrator, and get to the bottom of this assault. We’ll keep everyone abreast of the situation as it develops.” Police are recommending that, for now, men should not go out alone at night.

Officials are withholding the man’s identity because of his embarrassment. “I just didn’t think. Resistance was my first reaction,” he says. “My life flashed before my eyes. You never really expect this kind of thing to happen to you. I was terrified that she would kiss me, and fall in love with me! You can never really be prepared for that kind of thing.”

Just kidding. Sort of. Now where did I see that gun…?